1 Eb Soprano cornet  -  Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band
1 Principal cornet  -  Conceited - uses too much vibrato
1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper"   -  Thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal
1 "Third man down"  -  Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse
1 "Fourth man down"  -  Like third man down, only louder and thicker
1 Repiano cornet  -  Waiting for a chance to play principal
2 2nd cornets  -  Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornets  -  Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn  -  Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo horn  -  Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor horns  -  Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead
1st Baritone  -  Useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone  -  Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums  -  Show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st trombone  -  Steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd trombone  -  Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass trombone  -  Chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses  -  Look like two drunken farts
2 Bb basses  -  Sound like two drunken farts
Percussion  -  Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally
                                incapable of producing a swing rhythm
Conductor  -  So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good